A Balance?

I thought tension was the problem but now I’m starting to see it differently...

Checking things off the list is an important moment for me.

Sometimes I’ll add things just to check them off.

Proof, I guess.
For later.
That I did something.

It sounds strange when I write it out.
But there’s something in it.

There’s this quiet belief that if I can see the patterns…
and break them…that’s the win.

That’s the heroic version of this.

But most of the time it doesn’t feel like that.
It feels like another test.
Emphasis on another.

The goal, at least the way I’ve been thinking about it, is simple.
Understand what’s driving me.
And bring myself into right relation with it.

Which sounds clean.
Almost easy.
Until it isn’t.

Because “right relation” doesn’t mean getting rid of anything.
It means seeing it.
And not lying about it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about good and bad.
It feels good to be “good.”
At least in my own eyes.

But defining bad…
especially when I remove other people from it…
has been harder.

In the middle of something…having to admit that their part isn’t mine.

That I don’t get to carry it.
Or fix it.
Or fight it.

My part is mine.
Fully.

And that sounds clean too.

Until something inside me wants to push back.
Wants to fight.
Wants to be right.
Wants the win.

That part doesn’t disappear just because I can see it.
It waits.
And then shows back up.

This morning, on my walk with Ang, I was complaining about this headache.
It’s been hanging around.
Not bad enough to stop anything.
But always there.

We’ve also had this low-level sickness in the house.
Not fully sick.
Not fully clear.
Just sitting there.

“That’s a tension headache.”
She didn’t hesitate.

Tension.

I tried to move past it.
But it stuck.

What I actually want…is for it to go away.

What good does it serve?
None that I can see.
Useless.
And responsible for this headache.

Which feels like the perfect example of something not being in right relation in my life.

A balance?

I’ve been treating tension like something to fix.
Something to remove.
Something that shouldn’t be there.

But that’s not what it is.
It’s not the problem.
It’s the signal.

It means both sides are still here.
Still active.
Still pulling.

One part of me wants peace.
Another still wants control.

One part wants to let it go.
Another still wants the win.

And I can feel that.
Right now.
Not as an idea.
In my body.

And my instinct…is still to pick a side.
To resolve it.
To eliminate the tension.

But what if that’s the mistake?

What if “the work” isn’t choosing one…but staying here.

Holding both.
Without handing the wheel to either one.

Because that’s what this actually feels like.
Not clarity.
Not resolution.
Tension.

And I can feel the pull to end it.
To land somewhere.
To make it make sense.

But I don’t think that’s what this is asking of me.
I think it’s asking me to stay.
To feel both sides.
Without choosing.
Without forcing.

And I don’t fully trust that yet.
But I can feel it.

And for now…that’s enough.